


now we're back at the beginning (a feeling)

by jungilhoon (sandeullie)



Category: BTOB
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9227996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandeullie/pseuds/jungilhoon
Summary: hyunsik can't be any more obvious and just wants to talk things out. ilhoon doesn't, and he certainly doesn't know how to deal with these things people call feelings, so they don't—until a year later, and it comes in the form of... well, let's just go with ilhoon assuming it's not exactly the talk hyunsik had in mind back then (it's not what he had in mind either, to be perfectly clear). nonetheless, it's effective and if anything, a start.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i might be new to writing for btob ficdom, but not new to fandom by any means. recently quitting my job and writing less, or rather lacking motivation for my other fandom has given me time to see what i can provide for this quiet ficdom.
> 
> honestly, this wasn't something i had intended on writing or posting as my first work on here. being more honest, i wrote it last night in a very short amount of time, although i have several longer projects already started, or at least plotted and some collabs going on with a friend. this just kind of happened out of frustration, i guess? just writing to write.
> 
> anyway, even though this is relatively short and i'm not certain how it will be perceived, i hope you'll enjoy it. a big thank you goes out to my lovely friend and writing partner in crime, [ann](http://archiveofourown.org/users/last/), for taking time to read through this, help edit and provide some input that has hopefully improved this even the tiniest bit, as well as just simply always being there to encourage and motivate me to write, even if it's almost always a slow process... and maybe we spend too much time getting sidetracked and starting new plots that we want. basically, it's always a journey when we discuss new ideas and go on until our eyesight becomes blurred, but i wouldn't change a thing... obviously, because now here i am. that said, any mistakes are my own.
> 
> this is just a start and here is to hopefully more fics in the near future! possibly something like this from hyunsik's pov? hmm, we'll see...!

it was a spur of the moment—blink and you’ll miss it, messy, caught off guard and everything in between—thing that happened, a not mutually agreed upon to _not_ discuss thing, and all because of an unassuming passing glance. they’re alone in one of the practice rooms, ilhoon sitting on the cushioned bench next to hyunsik, speechlessly watching him as he goes back to tapping away at the keys of the piano, trying to perfect that one tiny part of the melody his fingers fumbled on. they should be practicing, but the other members weren’t even near the building yet, hell, probably not even awake yet and wouldn’t be for another hour. hyunsik had wanted to come to the company early to fit time in just to play piano since there was never any time between dance practices, vocal lessons and recording sessions taking place to prepare before the official debut.

ilhoon had just happened to shift awake, to his misfortune (being the world’s lightest sleeper was seriously going to be an issue around here with seven people sharing a single space together), when he heard feet shuffling past him and the time on his phone read 7:00am. hyunsik had apologized for waking him up and said that he’d see him in a few hours. unfortunately, ilhoon knew he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep again and for some reason asked if he could tag along. hyunsik had smiled, said company would be alright and waited at the door while ilhoon slipped into some pants and a hoodie and threw on a cap to hide his due-for-a-haircut-asap bed hair.

the air is cold out, harsh winds hitting against ilhoon’s face causing him to shiver and pull at his hoodie tightly, hands burying deep inside the pockets. hyunsik helps with the hood and stops on the side of the road to tie the strands that dangle. he feels a sudden rush of warmth flow over his body by the kind gesture, as if he’s a child who needs help taking care of himself (and so what if he did and who cares if he still kind of likes it). ilhoon mumbles a thank you and hyunsik wraps his arm around his shoulders, pulling him in close as they continue to make their way wherever hyunsik is leading them. it’s still dark out, the smallest sliver of sun beginning to peek from the edge of the city. besides the morning goers on their way to another restless day of work, the streets are quiet, they don’t talk and it’s just them walking, listening to their footsteps that fall into sync and heavy breathing and chattering teeth (mostly from ilhoon who still shivers into hyunsik’s warm embrace). 

“so you come here, to the company, every morning to play piano?” ilhoon asks when they flip the light switch on and the door shuts behind them.

hyunsik nods, seems to choose his next words hesitantly, “you’ve known? i didn’t think i was ever loud when i left, i tried to make sure not to wake anyone up,” his eyes dart away, look down at his shoes for a moment before he looks back up, “i’m sorry.”

ilhoon shrugs, “it’s not a big deal, i don’t mind. i’m a really light sleeper,” he chuckles before he continues, “actually, i’ve been curious for a while where you’ve been disappearing off to every morning, but i didn’t want to ask and make you feel bad if you knew you’d been waking me up.” 

“surprise, it’s just here,” hyunsik smiles and crinkles form at the corners of his eyes.

“honestly, i thought perhaps you were secretly seeing a girl or something. it really isn’t any of my business… i was dumb to ask if i could tag along today without even knowing where you might be headed.” ilhoon looks away, feels guilty for involving himself in hyunsik’s alone time.

“seeing a girl?” hyunsik ponders for a moment before letting out a soft huff of air and a shy smile spreads across his face, “i’m not exactly—”

“anyway, even if you were, it’s not my business what you do with your time,” ilhoon walks over to the bench in front of a piano that’s against a wall, sits on the far right edge and plays a short piece.

“you play?” hyunsik asks, following and sitting beside him, picks up the notes quickly and joins in.

“mmm, a little. i’m not as good as you, of course,” ilhoon stops and looks at him, embarrassed and wide-eyed for a moment, blushes because he remembers hyunsik doesn’t exactly know he’s ever seen him play before. ilhoon had always heard him outside of the practice room, or peeked in when the door was cracked, just to steal a glance and appreciate the relaxing melody that carried through to where he’s practiced alone in front of the mirror, trying to learn how to loosen his hips when he danced and not be as stiff.

if hyunsik had caught onto that (and honestly, how could he not) he didn’t persist and cause ilhoon any more embarrassment than he was already feeling. instead, he changes the topic, “i could play something if you’d like?”

“uh, isn’t that why we’re here?” he asks and hopes that didn’t come off more bluntly than it sounded.

hyunsik seems unfazed, or just used to ilhoon’s general tone and begins to play a slow piece. it’s not anything that seems familiar to ilhoon, but it’s soothing and makes him feel warm (perhaps that was just from being next to hyunsik though), has him entranced and watching as hyunsik’s long fingers effortlessly glide along the keys. there’s something so mesmerizing that keeps ilhoon’s eyes locked on the keyboard, thinks about the beauty of what goes into music, piano particularly, how delicately hyunsik presses the keys down and yet feels the passion of every note that hits his ears.

ilhoon doesn’t even realize his gaze has moved to hyunsik’s face until he steals a glance back at him and he notes the grins and that split second lip bite, the barely noticeable fumble of a finger tapping the wrong key. ilhoon looks away, clears his throat and a moment later the song ends, and there’s silence. a long silence.

“you play very nice,” says ilhoon hesitantly, eyes down and quipped with the tiniest smile he can manage before facing forward, looking at nothing in particular in front of him.

“ilhoon…?” hyunsik shifts his body slightly to face him properly.

“hmm?” ilhoon keeps his eyes facing ahead, isn’t ready to be met with hyunsik’s eyes again just yet.

“about before… why did you want to join me today?” he asks.

ilhoon considers for a moment, not sure why either, if he’s being perfectly honest (and he’s not the most honest person to begin with).

“i dunno,” he finally says, knows this probably is not the answer hyunsik’s looking for. not sure what, if anything at all, hyunsik is looking for.

“oh…” hyunsik replies, no obvious tone. just another long pause fills the air.

ilhoon taps at the keys again, not playing anything in particular, just trying to occupy his mind and the way hyunsik seems to be looking at him.

everything happens quickly. from ilhoon feeling himself being turned, to hyunsik’s thumb gently pressing against his chin to tilt his head, and lips clashing into his own. it’s a whirling mixture of unfamiliarity and innocence, soft but has ilhoon gasping when their lips part, leaving him speechless, struggling to comprehend everything. ilhoon averts hyunsik’s gaze, immediately lifts his fingers off the keys he must have been pushing on the entire time from the initial shock.

suddenly, the room feels drastically smaller than he recalls and he feels his face, ears warm as he tries to calm down, say something, anything. thinks this is probably the longest anyone has gone without speaking after a moment like this.

“uh—umm…” ilhoon stutters, panics as he looks at hyunsik who appears to be relatively calm (calmer than him anyway), although he seems a bit shy at the moment, sitting there nervously, biting at his lower lip as he fiddles and taps away at the keys resting beneath his fingers, going over that one part he had slipped up on.

“i’m sorry…” hyunsik begins.

“let’s just not talk about it,” ilhoon replies after processing a little more.

“ilhoon…” hyunsik sighs. “i just thought—”

“it’s fine. listen, i shouldn’t have come here in the first place,” ilhoon’s about to stand up before hyunsik grabs his hand to keep him there a little longer.

“isn’t this exactly why you came here?” he whispers and leans in once again towards ilhoon, his lips are sliding to the corner of his closed mouth until he jerks back and feels hyunsik instantly pull away.

“i–i should go—” ilhoon stammers and stumbles as he gets up, makes his way to the door, a hand on the handle before hyunsik’s voice calls out stopping him in place.

“can we talk about this, please?” hyunsik asks.

“i really don’t want to, can we just forget it, pretend it didn’t happen?” ilhoon responds without turning around to face hyunsik. and it’s not that he doesn’t want to discuss things, rather he physically can’t, isn’t sure where to begin. can’t quite figure out what he feels – shocked, confused, happy and a jumble of every other emotion that has him needing to leave this room as quickly as possible seems to about sum everything up though.

no word or mention of that day is brought up as ilhoon had asked. they move on with their lives, pretend it didn’t happen. none of the other members know about it or how they both left in the early hours of the morning. it’s their own secret, even if it’s never discussed. even if ilhoon’s a wreck because of it and wants to confess to feeling something for hyunsik. but he never gets the chance to. not now that a couple months have passed by and they’ve officially debuted as a group – all eyes on them constantly and there’s no room to have any scandals or suspicion.

   
 

spring and summer come and go, and now the leaves on the trees begin to change color and fall to the ground. ilhoon’s certain that hyunsik would have forgotten about it by now but he’s not positive when hyunsik creates a piece of choreography for one of their new songs, had made it especially clear he wanted a certain section where they sing right after each other to be them, that it needs to be ilhoon. ilhoon’s more than positive hyunsik hasn’t forgotten every time he pulls him in for a fake kiss on stage. fans loved it, so naturally they went with it, got into it, never talked about it or why it had to be ilhoon. doesn’t matter, ilhoon swears it’s for the performance and that it’s meaningless and fan-service, just goes along with the song.

they ignore the time when hyunsik became flustered when he dipped ilhoon back. (it’s clear to ilhoon now that hyunsik definitely had another occasion likely playing around in his mind in that moment.) they also ignore the multiple times in practice when their lips accidentally meet (and at times for a little longer than is necessary). the other members are oblivious to everything, make over exaggerated expressions and laugh. they ask if it was real, say it looked real. ilhoon’s laugh in the mix is more nervous and he’d rather not exist at this moment, but that’s not exactly an option at the moment. there’s other subtle instances, little things that no one would pick up on unless they were paying attention that go undiscussed. the truth of the matter is that even though the members joke about it, hyunsik had stolen ilhoon’s lips a long time ago, stolen and never given back.

after that period of time there’s a shift, an unspoken bond and they've become closer, not that they hadn’t always been, of course, just that they never let what happened before debut change anything between them. hyunsik’s just who ilhoon happens to run to these days when he has a problem, who he looks to when he needs someone on his side. hyunsik is there to defend him, there to take his hand for no reason particular and make him feel good. hyunsik is probably also the only person who will tolerate his antics and difficult or rather unfavorable personality, but that’s besides the point. hyunsik is simply his favorite, that’s all.

   
 

when it turns cold again ilhoon feels it, that first time, slipping away, barely clinging somewhere in his memory a year later almost to the exact day—until one day, an interviewer asks each member about their first kiss or a story about their last one. every feeling comes rushing back to ilhoon in that moment, he isn’t focused on what the other members are saying, but is brought back by the sound of hyunsik nervously laughing at the other end of the couch where they’re all seated.

“my first kiss? hmm, i think i was really young,” he laughs, “i don’t remember my last one though.”

ilhoon’s not sure what he had expected hyunsik to say, for some reason he feels disappointed hearing that answer when he doesn’t have the right, didn’t want that to be the truth even if he’s the one who pushed the idea of forgetting it all. he wonders if it’s really possible to forget when it’s all that he thinks about every time he’s around hyunsik, which is, well… always.

then it’s ilhoon’s turn, “um, my first and last real kiss happened last year, not long before we debuted,” he says, looking anywhere but at hyunsik. he feels the eyes of all the members on him, there are hoots and whistles and he swears he hears hyunsik in the mix, can feel his sympathetic gaze on him as well for a split second before he returns to face the interviewer asking the next question.

ilhoon hopes that when they’re back in the dorm and alone from prying ears that hyunsik won’t approach him, because ilhoon really doesn’t know what he’d say except that he was just answering the question truthfully.

   
 

of course, hyunsik does.

ilhoon opens his mouth to speak first, to get the upper hand, “why did you lie?” he frowns. he’s not sure why it matters really, it’s not like anyone’s going to know he was lying.

“i didn’t want things to get awkward or suspicious if you did bring it up. i thought you wouldn’t mention it either. shouldn’t i be the one more shocked that you did?”

ilhoon doesn’t know what to say. sure, he had been a jerk a year ago in that room, had made hyunsik suppress anything he had wanted to talk about as if it wasn’t an important matter that should be discussed. he can admit that it’s not exactly one of his proudest moments, but he’s hurt when hyunsik’s next words catch him off guard.

“besides, it’s not exactly like you enjoyed when i kissed you,” the words are said quietly under hyunsik’s breath, to avoid anyone else from hearing, he’s sure, but it’s just loud enough that ilhoon catches every word.

this wasn’t what he was expecting and he’s certain hyunsik’s not expecting it to come a year later – a year too late, perhaps – but ilhoon takes a step then two forwards and leans in, wraps one of his arms around hyunsik’s neck, as he pulls him into a kiss. everything's a blur, but he kisses hard, a sense of want coming over him, and hyunsik hands are moving to cup his cheeks.

“don’t be mistaken, this doesn’t mean what you think it does,” he murmurs against hyunsik’s mouth between eager kisses.

“what does it mean then?” hyunsik asks, breath hot against ilhoon’s lips, but he doesn’t give him a chance to respond before he’s walking them both to the mattress on the floor that’s ilhoon’s for the time being this season, guides ilhoon down and is now laying on top of him. ilhoon would protest if he could gather his thoughts that collect in a big cloud, but hyunsik’s sliding his tongue inside of his parted lips and he’s already on the verge of releasing some unwanted moans.

ilhoon manages to break away for a second to catch his breath. “this doesn't mean a thing and will be forgotten just like last time.”

“forgotten?” hyunsik chuckles. “that’s why you remembered and mentioned it in the interview?” he teases.

ilhoon puts his hands against hyunsik’s chest when he begins to lower himself once more, makes sure to keep him at a distance. “perhaps one day this won’t be a mutual feeling,” he says with a straight face, feels a stab, a pang of guilt twisting inside of him when hyunsik looks back at him, one ilhoon figures is a mix of hurt and confusion. hyunsik sits, leans his back against the wall and stretches his legs out.

“perhaps, but we both know that’s not what you want,” hyunsik says in a low voice, a smirk spreading across his face.

ilhoon rolls his eyes, opens his mouth to say something but is cut off before he even gets a chance by hyunsik dragging him onto his lap, planting warm kisses against his open mouth, down along his neck. ilhoon shudders and a string of the smallest, barely audible moans escape his mouth. all it takes is hyunsik’s tongue tracing over his lips before sliding into his mouth to reduce ilhoon to a whimpering mess. his fingers tangle and stroke hyunsik’s hair, he frantically shifts his body, and blushes every time he feels their dicks firmly touching against each other through the fabric of their pants. ilhoon holds back any noises, presses harder against hyunsik’s mouth to keep from crying out and exposing them to the rest of the dorm, but hyunsik’s making it hard. it’s near impossible to stay quiet when he’s rolling his body that way against ilhoon, and it elicits a wanton broken moan to fill the absent space between their lips.

the moment is cut short when they hear footsteps approaching the closed door and ilhoon forces himself off hyunsik’s lap and rushes to lie down in an unassuming position, hyunsik remains where he is and they pretend as if nothing had just happened, as if they’re just talking there on ilhoon’s bed. _completely normal._

alright, so maybe nothing happened tonight and who knows, maybe nothing would ever happen again. however, tonight was far from nothing now, and definitely wouldn’t be forgotten.

   
 

later that night when everyone is in bed and it’s dark inside the room, ilhoon thinks back on everything, all that he and hyunsik had done together, how their friendship continued to develop, how he can confidently say he’s his best friend. (not that he should be choosing favorites, but some things were out of his control.)

 _“don’t be mistaken, this doesn’t mean what you think it does,”_ he had said earlier. however, the truth of the matter is that it meant exactly what hyunsik thought it meant, what ilhoon had been denying it meant, and would continue denying. some would call it a passing feeling, but the word that crosses ilhoon’s mind before he falls asleep, the feeling that’s been building inside of him ever since that day a year ago is something perhaps one might call, oh, i don’t know, _love_.


End file.
